


Best Kept Secret

by implausiblesuspension



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - High School, Catholic Guilt, Dean and Cas are roommates, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Drugs, Established Relationship, Happy Ending?, High Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Secret Relationship, Underage Drinking, moderate fluff, why yes that is a lot of book of mormon references, you're right I did throw in a lot of next to normal references too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 08:45:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11643024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/implausiblesuspension/pseuds/implausiblesuspension
Summary: Castiel was eight when he realized that heterosexuality might not be the best option for him. As such, he was sent off to St. Genesius (a ridiculously religious boarding school for grades sixth through twelfth), where he could develop a solid relationship with God and have no distractions whatsoever. Of course, that was all thrown out the window when he met his roommate, Dean.Now, as the two of them draw closer to graduation day, Castiel and Dean's secret relationship gets riskier every day. Soon, they will need to make the decision of whether to come out or break up. And putting it off will solve absolutely nothing





	Best Kept Secret

Castiel was eight when he started to realize that heterosexuality might not be the best option for him.

On a totally unrelated topic, Castiel was eight when his father divorced his mother.

Since the two events happened so close together, Castiel can't remember which event caused the other. But even if his sudden attraction to Robert Downey Jr. hadn't caused their split, Castiel still couldn't help feeling responsible in some way. So, after his father left, Castiel tried his best to suppress his homosexual thoughts.

Thanks to his extremely religious parents and extremely religious upbringing, Castiel knew that two men together was practically a one-way ticket to Hell and a party with the Devil. The only option was to try and crush his taboo feelings. Even as an eight year old boy, he knew it was what God wanted.

Still, it was hard for a young boy to pretend he didn't want to look at pictures of men without their shirts on, so his mother, of course, took notice.

Castiel's eleventh birthday present was a scholarship to St. Genesius, a ridiculously religious boarding school that was sixth to twelfth grade and would “practically beat the gay right out of him,” or so said his father.

Castiel was on board with the idea, however. He was the type of boy to carry around, in his book bag, his textbooks, his notebooks, and his Holy Bible. He knew that being gay was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. There wasn't really anyone he could talk to either. He'd thought about telling his priest during Confession, but that wouldn't help him work through all of the strange emotions he felt. Castiel just wanted to feel close to God.

So gladly he went to St. Genesius, where he would be able to find himself and develop a solid relationship with God with nothing to distract him, provided that he didn't find other boys like himself.

If his parents and he had thought that a lack of homosexuals would be the case at St. Genesius, they were quite wrong.

The minute Castiel walked onto St. Genesius' campus and met his roommate, Dean, he knew there was no way he would be able to correct himself.

Dean was quickly deemed the “golden boy” of the school, playing many sports, receiving the highest marks, and being the friendliest to everyone. Excelling in almost every way Castiel could not. They were polar opposites and should not have even become friends in the first place.

Where Castiel would stay in their room and read his Bible (yes, read his Bible in his free time), Dean would be at practice for baseball.

Where Castiel was an only child, Dean had a twin sister, Jo, and a younger brother, Sam, both of which attended St. Genesius (well, Sam started three years after he and Dean did).

Where Castiel wanted to become a preacher in his future (provided he could nip his homosexual tendencies soon), Dean wanted to pursue basketball professionally before becoming a teacher.

Where Castiel was certain from the first time seeing Dean in his baseball pants that he was totally gay for him, it took Dean another couple of weeks to realize it.

Castiel was twelve when he had his first kiss and sixteen when he lost his virginity.

The two of them kept their relationship a secret, from their friends, their parents, and especially all of the sisters and priests that worked at the school. With such a religious atmosphere, they couldn't come out.

Castiel wanted to tell his mother from the moment he first kissed Dean, though he knew he couldn't. His mother would surely tell Dean's mother, who would tell Dean's father, who would surely beat Dean to a pulp for being so “ungrateful to God.”

Dean came from a similarly religious family as Castiel did, though Dean's parents were happily married. Dean's father, however, took a much more physical interpretation of the Good Word, and Dean's mother sent her children to a boarding school where they would be fairly (and non-abusively) dealt punishments for their sins.

Castiel was never super comfortable with their closeted relationship, but he understood why they needed to keep it a secret. So he and Dean played the parts of innocent best friends, then slipped away into secret lovers in their dorm room afterward.

Castiel grew more and more anxious about his secret relationship with Dean each year, anxious that people would find out, anxious that it was pulling him further away from God, and anxious that he would never reach Heaven. However, Dean always soothed his fears and made Castiel realize that Dean might just be all worth it.

Something about Dean had always seemed like a God-send to Castiel, which is what confused him the most and made him the most anxious.

Now, as he and Dean begin to approach the end of their senior year at St. Genesius, still no one knows about the two of them, and Castiel grows more on edge with each day growing closer and closer to graduation.

~*~

Once a week, on Sundays, the entire student body of St. Genesius gathers in the cathedral on campus for Mass. The school's priest, Father Michael, has delivered every service since Castiel started. Seven years ago.

Father Michael beings his services the same way each week after the school choir sings some song in Latin that no one understands. “I want to welcome you all back…”

This week, however, is a little different, since the student body has just come back from their winter break. Castiel hasn't seen Dean in over two weeks and just wants to spend some time with him, preferably alone and preferably naked.

_Stop it, Castiel_ , he thinks to himself. _You cannot think that way. And especially not during Mass._

Castiel looks to his left, hoping to catch Dean's eye. As he looks across the church, he finds Dean in his usual spot, right in front of the deep blue, green, and purple stained glass window with a modern depiction of the Resurrection of Christ. It's Castiel's favorite stained glass in the entire church. Most of the glass is old and generic, but this specific wall of glass is new and contemporary. It had to be rebuilt the year Castiel and Dean started school at St. Genesius because some of the old seniors had set fire to the old glass.

When Castiel looks at Dean, he finds him zoned-out, looking way over Father's head at nothing. Chuckling to himself, Castiel focuses back on Father Michael, who has begun talking to the seniors about ending their final year at St. Genesius and how important praying together has been and…

Castiel finds himself zoning out again, which really is not good. Considering his current situation as an in-the-closet gay teenager with his secret gay boyfriend, he really cannot afford to be slacking off during the service. Instead, he tries to focus as hard as he can on Father's address.

He's moved on to talking about the Feast of the Epiphany (which happens to be today). Castiel isn't really sure how the three Wise Men correspond to the seniors leaving in a few months, but he's not the one who has to connect the dots for the whole school.

Sparing glances at everyone else, Castiel can see that hardly anyone is truly paying attention, and those who are listening seem to be as lost as Castiel is.

_If I were leading this Mass_ , Castiel thinks, _I definitely would have chosen something about paths to take, not...whatever it is Father is talking about._

“We begin in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,” Father says, while Castiel and the rest of the congregation follow suit in performing the Sign of the Cross. “Let us call to mind those times when we fallen from God's plan for us,” he continues before leading the student body in the Nicene Creed, which Castiel could probably recite in his sleep.

After the congregation prays, Castiel and Dean's classmate Cole walks up to the podium next to the alter. He clears his throat and begins to read off of a sheet resting on the stand.

“One of the boys sitting among us is not like the others,” he says. “He enjoys the sinful things, like staring at his fellow classmates in the locker room after gym class and turning his friends towards the devil.”

_Where did they find this reading?_ Castiel thinks to himself. He knows it's not anywhere from the Bible, but then, the Bible readings aren't supposed to begin until later anyway.

Castiel begins to feel uneasy, but surely he is hearing Cole wrong. It must be due to the lack of sleep he'd gotten last night. It was his and Dean's first night together after being apart for two weeks on break, so they'd stayed up most of the night.

“He knows that the secret romance he is harboring is doomed and will only cause him suffering, yet, he continues along this path. He strays from God more and more every day, and worse, still, he does not journey alone,” Cole continues.

Suddenly, Castiel begins to feel very hot and flustered and becomes very aware of himself, as the reading is clearly about him. It gets worse when every student and teacher assembled in the church turns and looks directly at him.

Cole's eyes look up from the stand and find Castiel's immediately. Castiel cannot tear his gaze away. “Are you content, Castiel, to drag that poor boy down to Hell with you? Have you not caused enough damage to those around you already?” Cole's voice becomes louder and louder, bouncing around the otherwise silent cathedral.

“You are the reason for your parent's divorce, Castiel. You couldn't have been the good Catholic son they wanted, could you? And it tore your family apart.” Castiel still can't look away, and he can still feel every single eye on him.

“You know that Dean is unsure, Castiel. You know it is up to you to change his mind and save him.” None of his classmates' eyes has moved from looking at Castiel. Cole begins to move down from the stand towards Castiel, maintaining eye contact the whole time. “If you love him as much as you claim to, let him go. Allow him to go to Heaven while you burn in Hell for your sins.”

Cole takes his seat, and suddenly, Castiel's mother is at the podium. Naomi begins to speak in her usual bored tone. If an eye roll were a tone of speech, Naomi would always use it.

“Our first reading today is the story of how, despite the best efforts of a single mother, a child can still go horribly, horribly wrong.” His mother doesn't look at him, just stares off into the distance. It's somehow worse than when Cole was staring daggers into Castiel's soul.

Naomi begins to spill out every detail of Castiel's life and his relationship with Dean to the entire student body. Things Castiel hadn't told anyone, things which no one except for himself and for Dean would know.

Castiel finally gathers the strength to look over for Dean, but he finds that the students around him have no faces, just eyes that will not move from Castiel. Everyone continues to stare at him relentlessly, and in the background, he can hear his mother talking and talking about how disappointed she is in her only son. “Don't do this to me, Castiel,” she finishes, and Castiel turns to look back at her.

The stand, the alter, and the candles are all gone. The stage is barren save for the San Damiano cross in the middle of the stage, which is beginning to lean and will soon fall if no one catches it. His mother is no where to be seen, though Castiel can still hear her voice resounding in his ears.

Castiel is in full-freak out mode, now. He recognizes none of his classmates, Dean is gone, and no one is moving to save the cross, which is falling faster now. He moves to get up from his seat and catch the cross before it hits the ground, but the students on either side of him refuse to let him stand. The cross crashes to the ground, and the sound of it hitting the floor reverberates throughout the cathedral.

A voice comes over the speaker system in the cathedral, and Castiel cannot make out who it is. “Please join us in singing our offertory hymn, number 279: A Bender Among Us,” says the voice.

The students around him are all suddenly holding hymnals. Or maybe they were holding them all along, and Castiel hadn't noticed. Their eyes are still on Castiel even as they open the hymnals and begin to sing. The song is monotone and haunting, and Castiel can't pick out any actual words. Castiel begins to look every which way for an escape while the voices surround him.

The congregation begins to stand, continuing their "song," taking Castiel along with them. The pews are no longer there, as everyone begins to move into a large clump in the middle of the room. Everyone finally takes their eyes off of him as Castiel is shuffled into the middle of the pack of students.

Father Michael appears once more in front of everyone, donned in all black. Castiel notices his friends and his mother at the front of the cluster. He attempts to move towards them, elbowing the others in his way. Now, no one will look at him. Everyone's eyes, including Father Michael's, are trained on the stage. Castiel attempts to ask his friends what is happening and notes that Dean is not among them.

“Father?” he asks quietly when he nears the priest. Father does not look at him and deftly shakes his head. “Not at a funeral, Castiel.”

“A funeral…?” Castiel asks, exasperated, but no one gives any indication of hearing him. Gabriel, one of Dean and Castiel's friends, walks in front of everyone and faces them.

“I'd like to start with just a...” He trails off and looks behind him at the stage, at something Castiel can't see. Gabriel begins again, his indifferent tone not befitting his passionate words.

“If we could take a moment?” He turns to face the students. “If maybe we were silent,” he pauses and looks directly at Castiel, “or we had spoken.”

Gabriel returns to his spot among the rest of their friends, and everyone is silent, save for Castiel, who is desperately trying to get someone to talk to him.Eventually his voice stops working, and his eyes are drawn to the dark stage where his gaze is held captive.

Then the lights come up on the stage, and there is a casket, covered in flames, burning.

Castiel drops to his knees and shouts, “Is it I, Lord?!”

In response, the entire cathedral bursts into flames, and Castiel is surrounded by a circle of fire, alone. His classmates, his teachers, the father, and his mother all surround the circle.

“Abomination!” they all cry. Castiel, still on his knees, shuts hit eyes tightly, covers his ears, and attempts to block out the sights and sounds. Their voices only grow louder and more dissonant. Despite his attempts not to hear anything more, he can hear them shouting at him to “bear the cross,” repeatedly.

The flames grow hotter and brighter around hi, as the voices grow more disjointed and insistent, and just when he feels as though he cannot take it any longer–

“Let us go forth in peace to love and to serve the Lord,” says Father Michael, calm as ever.

Castiel's eyes shoot open, and he sees the cathedral, as plain as it ever has been. Nothing from his anxiety-ridden dream is left.

“Thanks be to God,” the congregation responds, and Castiel slouches into his seat, relieved, even if just for the moment.

**Author's Note:**

> if you know what I'm basing this off of, you need to tell me, like, yesterday so we can be best friends  
> alternative title: this is what happens when you fall asleep in church


End file.
